Through the long months of Winter, I began to understand it. When you are swaddled in scarves and are forced to tussle with jackets that inexplicably refuse to be removed every time you enter interiors heated 30 degrees above the outside temperature, and winds find their way into garments you could have sworn would have been impenetrable, you’re in a state of constant discomfort. You’re either not warm enough, or overheated to a point where your addled brain is offended by everyone. At least that’s the working theory.

Everyone suggests the climate as a key to the laid-back Aussie. Perhaps it’s no surprise that in Winter, people seem a little more uptight. But now, the sun is shining, but unlike a sunny winter day, people can actually go out and enjoy the many parks in the city. Baristas and shop assistants seem slightly less entitled, one could even suggest helpful. If in winter their modus operandi is to be surly and indifferent, in Spring it is to actually do their job without resenting the world. Even the fundamentalist end-times street-side ranters seem more spirited and less fire and brimstone.

Ah, but what experiment can be considered legitimate without a control. I give you Edinburgh.

Cold, rainy, windy city. At yet in winter, full of friendly and helpful people. Surely, it’s not the surly behemoth that is London, at a fraction of the population, but it is a capital, with people from all over the world. So why are they so persistently polite?

There’s more in this, but it will require a few years of analysis and visiting pubs. But presently, it’s nice to see a little cheer among the London hordes.

For a start you’re required to call a Jobcentre Plus line, but even if there is an office down the road, you can’t simply pop in and grab an application from the counter. The forms are sent from Glasgow, and as part of the process they always give you the mail centre’s number and a reference in case you don’t receive the forms. This sent off alarm bells, as it seemed to predict the fact that something would go wrong. And it did. Neither my partner nor I received our forms within the cheerfully long 10 working days, and we both had to call up the Glasgow centre.

After this hurdle things seemed to run smoother; the resend arrived within a couple of days and the NIN was dispatched soon after the forms were returned. Why you can’t apply via a Plus office or online though is mystifying.

I’d still recommend doing it on your own though. Only in rare cases would they require you to attend an interview before giving you your number. Agents will try and make the process seem more difficult than it is, and although it could be more straightforward, there isn’t anything an agent could really do for you that would be worth parting with $200.

As for bank accounts there are 2 ways I am aware of, of getting one set up before you leave Australia.

1. If you have an HSBC account or are willing to set one up you can then transfer your account to one in the UK.

2. You can set up an account and transfer funds with Clydesdale Bank (Here). They are part of NAB group. This is the option I chose and although I’m not in love with Clydesdale, it was an easy option. I just had to attend a brief interview to pick up my card and supply identification at the branch (the branch – there is only one in London. You should check for other areas of the UK. They are more prolific in Scotland, but not sure about the rest of the UK).

If you don’t set up an account before you go, some may require you to have utility bills with your name and address which you obviously won’t have for at least a month, and maybe not even then if you’re sharing. As this isn’t the avenue I took, I’m not sure of the particulars but from what I read online it seems to be difficult.

Having money ready for you and an account set up for your pay, if you find work quickly, is definitely the way to go.

Getting a mobile number is pretty easy. Either purchase a prepaid sim when you get here or buy one online before you leave. I got one from travelgear.com.au (here) which cost $10 for postage. Unfortunately the O2 sim I got was an old one but it at least gave me a number which I could put on my CV so I could start sending it out before I left home. It was just a matter of transferring my number to a new sim when I arrived, so anyone I’d given my number to could still contact me. Of course if you have a friend or relative here they could post you a sim.

If you have a mobile contract In Australia give them a call. I called 3 and tried to cancel my contract, unlock my phone, and they seemed desperate to keep me, and offered to unlock my phone, and give me $10 off my bill a month. So it worked out cheaper than if I paid out my contract in one sum. Maybe they were hoping that I would return to Australia sooner and they’d have retained a customer.

Having only used one network here I’m not ready to speak with any kind of authority about pros and cons of one vs the other. O2 seems perfectly fine, fairly cheap, but does occasionally lose 3G reception. But I have nothing to compare this with!

Next time I’ll cover all the secrets I have about public transport and other living expenses (not that many).

How the Bloody Hell Did You Get Here part 1: Visa Advice for Aussies from Allan Houston on Vimeo.

Online Visa Application: www.visa4uk.fco.gov.uk

Get yer Birth Certificates!: http://www.gro.gov.uk/

For more sage advice see my post about NINs and such: HOW BLOODY HELL DID YOU GET HERE PART 2: NIN, BANK ACCOUNTS AND SIM CARDS 

So, you’ve finally decided to do it. Perhaps like me, you waited till you’d frittered away your twenties and was stuck in a frustrating job before saying, to hell with it, I’d rather be poor and unemployed on the other side of the world. Or maybe you’re fresh out of school or university and are much more adventurous than I. Either way, the visa process and relocating overseas can be overwhelming at first glance. But in hindsight, it was pretty easy, even though most of the official sites are vague, and the advice columns are usually a front for a paid service. So I hope the absence of ads on this post will convince you that this offer of help is nothing but genuine.

My first advice would be don’t bother with First Contact or Restless World or the like. I’ll explain why in the following.

ANCESTRY VISA

If you’re fortunate like me to have this avenue open to you, then the list of supporting documents alone could be enough to send you running scared for one of the agencies who claim to guide you through the application process. Even if you’re just looking for a simple 2 year visa, this advice should be pertinent to you.

What you definitely need to claim ancestry:

• A valid Australian passport, with at least 6 months left till it has to be renewed
• Your birth certificate
• The birth certificate of the parent through whom you’re claiming ancestry
• The birth certificate of the grandparent through whom you’re claiming ancestry (get it from here)
• A copy of your bank statement with funds available to you
• A passport photo
• advisable: book a hotel, hostel or get a relatives or friend’s address to put on your application
• Can’t hurt to have: letter of employment if you have some lined up
• If you’ve changed your name, married, or you or your parent was adopted include the relevant documentation

The process sounds rather complicated as explained on the website but there are three basic steps.

1. Complete the online application (here).
2. At the end of the application, print the form and make a booking at your local consulate for your biometrics (fingerprints and photo). At the end of this appointment they will stamp your application and provide you with instructions of what to do next (which supporting documents you should supply, and the address the application should be sent to in Canberra – who then sends it on to Manila).
3. Send your application and documents to the consulate in canberra. As is suggested by the consulate, use platinum post so you can track it

So how long does it take?

Well I can provide you with 2 examples, as both myself and my partner applied. It’s a rough guide but it will give you some indication.

Friday 26th August: my partner and I completed our online applications. We could booked our biometrics for the following Wednesday (we could have done it a bit earlier)

Wednesday 31st August: We had our biometrics done on the same day.

Tuesday 6th September: Posted our applications to Canberra (we waited for funds to show up on a bank statement otherwise we would have posted the applications immediately).

Monday 12th September: Ben received an email saying his visa had been dispatched from Manila

Thursday 15th September: I received an email requesting further documentation (My grandfather’s middle name was different on his birth certificate to what it was on my mother’s birth certificate. Fortunately I rang my mother and she just happened to have his death certificate which stated both names. She photocopied it, and sent it and the original to Canberra. They had requested the documents within 5 days of the email so I was in a bit of a panic, but I assume it just needed to be received in Canberra in that time).

Friday 16th September: Ben received his passport with visa in the mail.

Wednesday 21st September: I received my passport with visa in the mail, just in time for me to give 4 weeks notice at work as our flights were already booked!

So even though there were delays we both had our visas within about 4 weeks. It could have been quicker had we got our biometrics done a day or two sooner, or sent our applications off immediately.

Lessons to be learnt from this of course are to check names on certificates. I had already noticed the discrepancy but assumed that an English mother would be enough to claim ancestry but apparently the grandparent is more important.

Don’t worry too much about getting a job, or providing pages and pages of documents. You just need to prove you have the ancestry, and can support yourself for a while.

The whole process was really straight forward. There were no marriage certificate, adoption papers or changes of names involved, so there was no reason to get an agency involved.

How much money should I take?

I would strongly suggest putting off the move until you’ve got at least £7000 or the equivalent. If you have work lined up then this is flexible but living in this country is not cheap! Also if you’re travelling as a pair, if you both have money then it will be easier.

I have visited here and found it remarkable that it could actually be cheaper to buy food, and in some cases, if you do it wisely, eat out than it was in Australia. But rent, bills, council tax, tv licences all conspire to make it a rather difficult place to hold onto your funds. Rent is mostly paid PCM: per calendar month, so will dispatch with a large chunk of your money quite quickly, when paired with the same amount in a deposit (the same as a rental bond in Australia).

Public transport fortunately is extremely efficient and effective at getting you around most parts of London, but it’s not cheap. A car would be a bigger waste of time and money but be prepared for a weekly commute to chew at least £20 off your oyster card balance. More if you’re not working and are setting out to explore the city you’ve just moved to.

I’ll cover bank accounts, sim cards and getting a National Insurance Number in a later article. As above, there really is no reason to get these through an agency, unless you are really pressed for time and don’t mind parting with the money, and even then, I can’t see a big advantage in it.

Part 1: Parks!

For what is considered by many to be the urban epicenter of the world, London has a remarkable amount of green space. Squares, fields, heaths, greens, commons all abound even in the busiest areas of town. So many in fact that the list of synonyms for these grassy tracts is near endless. Marshes, downs, gardens and of course the comparatively dull parks.

London is enormous and people live in such tightly packed vicinity to one another that outdoor space is regarded with awe and a steely kind of reverence. Sort of like ‘Cor! The things we could do in this park the two weeks of the year we’d actually want to be outdoors!’

I haven’t lived here in summer but it will be interesting to see when the parks resemble less a quiet holy premises and more a sea of pasty bodies hungry for sunlight and vitamin D. They’re also uniformly some of the cleanest places to be found across the city.

For the expat though, the emptiness and the offer of a slice of nature in the middle of an endless procession of big red buses and impatient delivery van drivers, is one that can’t be sniffed at.

Wildlife isn’t abundant at the moment but unlike a whale watch tour or an expedition seeking the aurora borealis, satisfaction is guaranteed. Go to any park in search of a Squirrel and nine times out of ten, you won’t be disappointed. Sure they’re all the technically-feral grey ones, and are essentially rats with bushy tails but their erratic caffeine addict movements are cute and they’re still a novelty to me. I’ve even strolled into parks with deer and goat enclosures and a butterfly dome! Also for someone who grew up with lots of family dogs, the park is a great place for puppy-watching.

So although the streets may be lined with a few trees, it’s heartening for the soul to know that never far away there are some larger patches of green, with some nice old trees and some entertaining rodents to watch. I look forward to the warmer months when I can enjoy them more thoroughly.

And just to add some balance, here are some cafes that don’t suck, with baristas with personality:
Dose Espresso, 69 Long Lane, EC1A 9EJ
Esoteria (formerly taste of bitter love), 276 Hackney Road, Tower Hamlets.
Flat White, 17 Berwick Street
Tina, We Salute You, 47 King Henry’s Walk, Dalston.

In my embryonic expat state I was huddled to the bosom of the city centre and was surrounded by Tesco Metros, Express, etcetera. It was convenient and, well, it was the only option really. Except Iceland. And I can’t bring myself to return there. The strange nervous energy of the customers, the scattershot arrangement of goods, the staff who seemed more concerned with sharing mundane information with each other than actually serving the assembled hoard of grey-faced, passive and pickled customers. The shortest of queues consumed unreasonable minutes of my time. Like the Tesco metro, it is full of swarms of feverish shoppers, dominating what limited space there is available, and bewildered staff restocking shelves with the gusto of a post-lobotomy ward-dweller.

When I settled in a less central area, a large and brightly lit battlefield of strewn produce, empty shelves and seemingly concussed aisle-blocking patrons, sifting through shoddy goods and fumbling over an underwhelming selection of items, was what greeted me in the form of a real Tesco (no sub-brands required here). The experience, the place was abhorrent. If you wanted nothing more than 3 brand options for everything, but a limited assortment of flavours and dietary variations, then this slum-cum-supermarket may be what you need.

And please, someone explain the prepackaged fruit and vegetable thing to me. Why the hell would I spend twice as much for plastic-wrapped bananas that look older and less inviting than a loose hand of bananas sitting right next to their gift-wrapped cousins? Who are the morons who buy the more expensive option when a better, cheaper one is not even a digit further from their grasp? I demand to know, and their heads shall be displayed at the entrance to Tesco!

Subsequently, I have discovered far better options under the banners of Sainsbury’s, Waitrose and Marks and Spencer, but I pity those who have to rely on the tiny variations of supermarkets available in a very large area in central London. Like many other particulars of London life, it seems to be the density of the population that disallows large supermarkets. But surely we could get rid of a few Starbucks and Pret-A-Beigers, and use the space for better supermarkets.

So my advice for any new arrivals is stay clear of what seems cheap and easy and search out the better options in your area. My condolences to you if all you have in a large radius is an Iceland, Costcutters (huh!), or a squalid little Tesco Metro. Good luck and may God go with you.

She’s provided me with a roof and an enviable, though expensive lifestyle, but there are some things that this maladjusted antipodean finds hard to adapt to. And so here is a series of cynically observed grievances about the odd, needlessly complicated, disappointing and lame things I’ve found in London. Tongue-in-cheek mind you, for there is much to love about this city and country. But what’s the point in living like a Brit if I can’t have a good whinge.

London Lame Part 1: Showers

To be fair, this isn’t something that London or indeed the UK must bare full responsibility for. France and Spain are equally POIs in this trial. However, in such a persistently cold and perpetually twilit country, how the hell have they been getting by for centuries without a decent shower?

Five months previous to moving here, I did a trip through France, Spain and England, which could have offered a solid grounding in European bathroom plumbing had I been interested in authoring a seventeen volume omnibus on the topic. I wasn’t, but whinging about it was of eternal interest. Every hotel and homestay seemed to offer something new in the series quirks and annoyances.

In Australia we perhaps take for granted the fact that you can walk into a bathroom or kitchen and turn on the hot water tap and expect, even if slightly delayed, hot water. Basically the tap fulfils its side of the bargain and there is rarely cause to bring it up on charges for contract infringement. The variety of box-on-shower-wall, timed heater, switch, cord or bath with a hose scenarios is bewildering. And even if you get the hot water flowing, after finding the right switch, turning the right dial or activating some sort of boost function, it’s rare to find a shower that can maintain a decent flow of water and an acceptable temperature at the same time.

Come on England, didn’t the Romans bring running water and plumbing here like a thousand years ago? You’ve had plenty of time to get it right. And on a cold morning, I just need one thing to get me going (excluding breakfast, coffee, bad morning TV and another coffee). Is it too much to ask for?

I’d like to spend more time showering and less time jockeying the taps. More hot, more cold, less cold, less hot. You’re a winner in so many other ways but unfortunately in this regard, your utterly lame.

Approximately half an hour into Terrence Mallick’s latest opus to nature and red-headed women, I began to wonder if the entire film would be a strange yet beautiful montage of grassy fields, children playing, Sean Penn looking sullen, and Dinosaurs dying on rocky riverbanks. Yes. Dinosaurs. Such is the perplexing and mesmerising first act of this utterly indescribable film. The best I can do is give you an indication as to whether this is the film for you, and offer a feeble description of how it made me feel

Obligingly, the film kicks into gear at the half hour mark and develops into a mostly straightforward, if temporally inconsistent family drama. But of course there isn’t much conventional about this part of the story either. It’s shot incredibly beautifully and features 2 amazing central performances by the young stars playing brothers who seem to be set on separate paths. One sweet, kind, trusting, the other going off the rails and seemingly inheriting the rage of disagreeable dad, Brad Pitt.

Throughout, we’re allowed to listen to the inner monologue of the characters, pleading for guidance and assistance from God, who they desperately want to explain the sadness and misfortune of life. It’s somewhat reminiscent of the voiceover is The Thin Red Line. Juxtaposed with this are persistent images of nature and an inspiring rendition of the big bang. Yes. Big Bang. And Dinosaurs.

But what does it all mean? Well, I’ll leave that up to you. What I can tell you is that if you’re the kind of person who subsists on the burger and chips of the mainstream blockbuster, this is probably not the fillum for you. The Tree of Life is probably more like tofu. A lot of people claim to like it, many know it may be good for them, but few actually really enjoy it. Don’t let the fact that Brad Pitt is in it confuse you. There is nothing mainstream about Tree of Life.

A striking thought that it did leave me with was whether the main point being argued was that life, and every detail therein is at the behest of nature and therefore, the prayers of the characters go unanswered as we’re just part of a cosmic chaos that was the big bang and the start of the universe, and there is in fact no God! Or something. But the opening monologue by the mother does set up some sort of nature/God duality. It requires more rumination and a repeat viewing perhaps.

Afterwards I was left mostly speechless, deeply contemplative and upon running into someone I knew, hardly able to string a few coherent words together. On this level it’s a marvellous success; cinema with an impact. The last experience I had like this was after Black Swan, but that sort of left me traumatised and my soul a little soiled.

So you probably already know whether or not it’s your thing. If you’re specifically after something 3D then you’re out of luck. It also doesn’t feature The Rock. But it does have dinosaurs. Yes. You heard me.

At this point it may be fair to disclose that a rather unfortunate mishap plagued the opening day of the show. One might assume that someone forgot to tell Paul Watson, an actor brought up from Melbourne to play Judas, to break a leg before the matinee performance, because that is exactly what he did. It works that way doesn’t it in a reverse-theatrical-superstitiony kind of way? So Shaun Kohlman, who usually portrays Simon, took on the role of Judas. Some other guy became Simon and the choreographer stepped in to fill the other gap. Thus, Jesus Christ SuperTheatricalamity was born.

So with that disclaimer out of the way, I’ll dust my keyboard with the appropriate amount of scathing and get this review on track.

In short, I hated it. Whether this is just Harvest Rain’s rendering I don’t know, but the only reason the story is at all coherent is because everyone knows about the bible. Had I never been taught a single bible story, I’m sure I would have had absolutely no idea what was going on. The story leaped from plot point to plot point without any kind of shading or subtlety in between. I’m pretty sure the running time was barely an hour and a half, which is actually quite brief for a stage production. There was clumsy introduction of sulky Judas, Jesus being loved by all, introduction of villains, Mary Magdalene being smitten, Judas’s swift and mystifying betrayal, Intermission (what, already? But it’s been like half an hour!) Jesus accusing everyone of future betrayal, Jesus’ trial, Everyone now hating Jesus (huh?), crucifixion (long, drawn-out, uncomfortably humorous), end. And that’s it. No resurrection! (though wikipedia did reveal that is how the play was originally written).

If you’re deeply religious you may get a kick out of this but it’s not a church service (although I did feel like I was being hill-songed over the head several times), it’s theatre! And apparently mainstream theatre at that. So why did it not strike a single chord with me? Any chord? The setting was confusing and contradictory also, with a modern style to the dress and weaponry, which makes you think it’s some sort of post modern reverse parable of a bible story (which would be sort of clever), but no it’s actually Jesus, but this time the disciples are badass and carry guns. The guys who are after him aren’t modern politicians, they’re actually Kings and Emperors of ancient times. Yet they wear suits and boxer shorts. It’s needlessly anachronistic. The music would give us a sense of themes and ideas and remind us that they are relevant to the time we live in, we don’t need to mercenary style costumes to seal the deal. I took me a while to realise it was actually Jesus, son of God, not just some other Jesus, modern day good guy version of the biblical one.

Throughout the audio mixing left vocals too low to fully interpret, and so any subtlety of lyrics was lost. The set was large and as it was unchanging and quite far back from the edge of stage, there was no opportunity to frame characters for their big individual moments. They were just lost in the background. And because of this the show opened with a whimper rather than a bang. Characters milled around, collected things handed out by Judas from a chest, there was no focus on action and it seemed an aimless rambling scene for several minutes before a word was spoken.

And lastly, and this does seem a little kicking-a-man-while-he’s-down-ish, but it must be mentioned. Shaun Kohlman was horribly unprepared for the role of Judas. At the start of the show director Tim O’Connor made an announcement about the shuffling of roles and suggested that Shaun may be seen on stage with a script. Oh how we laughed. But the man wasn’t joking. OK, they had 3 hours to get him ready, but I can’t believe that an actor who is now in his second season of the production, didn’t know the lyrics to the other songs in the show, and there was no attempt to use the script in some form as a prop. Sure the poor guy must have been terrified but how could they not have prepared other actors in some fashion for the other major roles in the play? More confusing was Judas’ resurrection (yeah he got one, if I was you Jesus, I’d be pissed!), after topping himself with his gun. It became clear that Shaun was now back to his role of Simon to finish the show, as the other actor was absent at the end. But they could have changed his costume at least! And there was the bewildering matter of the Door opening several times and the light of God spilling in, only to be closed by Judas each time, and the way it was staged made one consider that it was some sort of pully malfunction, but I think it was actually part of the intended direction of the play, and frankly the whole sequence was bizarre.

Alright, positives. The set and lighting was fantastic. That’s all I got.

I’m sure Shaun has the role down pat now, and good luck to them for the remainder of the run, but I doubt it’s a show I will ever love, or even like that much no matter who is performing it.

In fact, calling it a rally almost does it an injustice. There was a calm, community spirit present. There was no real ranting, opinions seemed measured, nary a scapegoat in sight, which is a fine achievement for an event that allegedly had a federal politician (Wayne Swan) in attendance. It was smiles and hugs and Tim Costello, who I have a minor crush on. So it was all very difficult to argue with. ‘Say YES to Climate Action’. How can you deny such a request? But the whole time, although it was barely mentioned, the burning question really seemed to be, “will you say YES to a carbon tax?” And this made me uncomfortable, but not for the reasons that big industry and the coalition are espousing.

What I would like is a rally cry saying, “Yes to climate action, but scrap the carbon tax and come up with something better”. I feel it’s energy and money and time invested in a scheme that will amount to nothing. It’s saying, yes you can pollute as long as you pay for it. So I cannot in good conscience support it, or the emissions trading scheme it is leading to. We’ll be compensated, will continue to consume as we always have, the same emissions will occur and 2 or 3 years later Climate Change still won’t have actually be addressed.

Really, what I have is a bad case of Climate Fatigue. I was born in the early eighties and for about as long as I can remember, there has been all this noise about ‘holes in the ozone layer’, ‘global warming’, which has become ‘climate change’, there were CFCs, and now their is carbon. There has been TALK about this issue for my entire life and it feels like little has actually been done. I’m saying YES to politicians actually making changes, thinking of the future and being real leaders. I just want something done! Thousands of small measures could have been taken by now. Every office building in the city that has lights on during the night should have solar power, at least 50% of power consumption should come from renewable sources, Governments should be encouraging development of hybrid and electric cars, or renewable power industries. That is what I am saying YES to.

I’m hoping that if the carbon tax goes ahead it will at least send some sort of message, to big polluters, to the average consumer, that no longer is it acceptable to pollute and not pay the price. Perhaps it will lead to some change down the line and industry will look to ways of reducing their emissions. It looks like this is the path that will be taken, so I suppose in principal I have to accept that and offer it a token measure of support. It certainly doesn’t feel right, or effective or revolutionary, or in any way indicative of the green and prosperous future we were promised 2 decades ago. At one time it all looked bright and shiny but now we have a raft of superficial acts and promises.

Eventually, I hope someone will rise through the ranks and we’ll have the opportunity to say YES to a leader with some real vision. But that seems as likely as the promises of the green future we saw on Beyond 2000 20 years ago. Till then, I think I’ll withhold my zeal.

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